trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
