Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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