I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
