You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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