So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
