...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
