Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
