Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
