I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
