FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
