tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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