And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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