bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
