i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
