You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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