dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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