He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Randomize
