I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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