Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
