I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
