Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
