I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Never underestimate the power of titties
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
