I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
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