I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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