My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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