my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
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