So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
