so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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