I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
