my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
People in love make me want to vomit
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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