I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
