Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
