Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
