I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
