Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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