I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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