Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
