I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
