If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
