My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
