So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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