hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
