if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
