i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
