I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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