I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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