Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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