Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
