I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I am available for nakedness
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
