Your tits are I can't wait for
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
