Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
vagina is talking i cant
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
