After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
